


the vantas kitchen of dubiously edible cross-species cuisine

by MisPronounce_and_MisAccent



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Compliant, Comedy, Cooking, Found Family, Gen, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline, kanaya is really funny actually, questionable food opinions, rosemary flirting, they cook food and then eat dinner thats what happens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:20:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29383368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MisPronounce_and_MisAccent/pseuds/MisPronounce_and_MisAccent
Summary: TT opened memo on board “A note on cuisine”TT: Good afternoon, everyone.TT: I think it is about time we address the cooking issue.In which Dave has never seen a green bean, Rose has never seen a microwave, and Karkat has never seen a moment of peace.
Relationships: Meteor Crew Bonding
Comments: 9
Kudos: 47





	the vantas kitchen of dubiously edible cross-species cuisine

tentacleTherapist [TT]  opened memo on board “A note on cuisine”

  


TT: Good afternoon, everyone.  


TT: I think it is about time we address the food question.  


TT: Specifically, what it is we are supposed to eat.  


GC: TH3 4NSW3R 1S 3V3RYTH1NG, 1F YOUR3 BR4V3 3NOUGH! >:]  


TG: look i get yalls culture was fucked nine ways to hell but some of us got human stomachs and cant subsist of off chalk and bugs alone  


GA: I Do Want It To Be Noted That Many Of Us Do Not Eat Chalk And Bugs  


GA: I Enjoy Eating Actual Foods  


GA: But If There Is Any Shortage I Should Be Able To Survive  


GA: Given  


TT: Ah, I was wondering about that.  


TG: oh shit i was not wondering about that but now i sure as hell am  


TG: thats a food question  


TG: kanaya are we food  


GA: Do Not Flatter Your Blood  


AG: Yeah I’m preeeeeeeetty sure our 8loodsucker here is mostly living off the corpses of our dead friends!  


GA: Well  


GA: Not In Those Words  


TT: Hmm.  


TG: huh  


TG: gross  


TG: thats on me for asking i guess  


CG: WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK ARE YOU ALL TALKING ABOUT?  


TG: oh hey karkat  


TT: We have gotten off track.  


TT: Dave and I have found your stockpilings of troll food, but we are still unsure if our bodies are fit to eat any of it, especially in large quantities.  


TT: The alchemiter has been unreliable, so far, in making anything more substantial that prepackaged snacks and instant noodles.  


AG: That is a completely survivable meal plan!  


TG: i mean  


TG: i dont disagree  


TT: We are not going on the Betty Crocker diet, especially considering the universal ramifications.  


TT: Point being, it has been nearly two weeks since there has been anything regarding an actual meal for either of us.  


CG: SORRY IF THIS IS A HARSH OPINION, BUT THIS SOUNDS LIKE YOUR PROBLEM!  


AG: Yeeeeeeeeah I do have to side with Karkat here!  


AG: Get 8etter stomachs!!!!!!!!  


GA: I Feel Like Given The Cultural Overlap On Several Snacks And Brand Sodas Our Respective Nutritional Needs Might Not Differ Too Greatly  


GA: I Cant See Why Eating Our Food Would Pose An Issue  


TG: look ill play a world ending video game and live for three years on a meteor but i draw the line at eating insect pasta im just not doing it  


GC: NOR W1LL 1!  


TG: wont you now  


GC: 1NS3CTS 4R3 MUCH T4ST13R UNPROC3SS3D >;]  


TG: got it  


TT: Regardless of respective nutritional capabilities, I must ask: has anyone, trolls included, actually attempted to prepare any food in the two weeks we’ve been here?  


TT: Beside instant dinners.  


GC: WHY WOULD W3? 3V3RYTH1NG 1S 3D1BL3, 1T DO3SNT N33D TO B3 HOT  


GC: TH4T 4CTU4LLY RU1NS 1T, SOM3T1M3S >:/  


AG: Yeah, no, I have far 8etter things to do with my time than slave over a stove for a 8unch of fussy humans!  


AG: 8esides all the 8est food comes prepackaged, duh!  


GA: That Is  


GA: Just Untrue  


GA: Also I Do Know How To Cook  


TG: okay thank god i was worried not a single one of was capable of making a simple dinner  


GA: Hypothetically  


TG: dammit  


GA: In Practice It Is Perhaps Not My Best Skill  


GA: I Am More Fit For The Less Edible Arts  


GC: D1DNT YOU S3T YOUR H1V3 ON F1R3 ONC3?  


TT: Oh?  


TG: hahaha what  


GA: That Is An Exaggeration  


GA: There Was A Brief Flame As A Result Of An Attempt I Made To Cook On One Occasion  


GA: Besides I Just Dont Really Enjoy Doing It  


GA: In All Honesty  


GA: Trolls — Especially Those Higher On The Blood Caste Who Had Sharper Teeth — Were Very Willing To Eat Raw Meat  


GA: Comfort Was Not A Priority In Anything Food Included  


GA: Some Lowbloods Did Cook Was My Understanding But Even Then It Was Rare  


TT: Hmm.  


TG: ...  


TG: so i feel like this is the text equivalent of everyone turning to look at karkat  


CG: WOW! OKAY! JUST BECAUSE ALL THE OTHER LOWBLOODS WERE MURDERED OR FUCKED OFF TO THE GREEN SUN YOU EXPECT ME TO COOK FOR ALL OF YOU?  


TG: what  


TG: oh  


TG: dude real honest i dont get yalls blood thing, didnt even know you were low on it, definitely wasnt why i was giving you the text stare  


GC: 1TS WHY 1 W4S!  


TG: it was just your turn to divulge your cooking takes  


TG: plus you hadnt talked in a bit it was fucking eerie  


GC: K4RK4T DO YOU KNOW HOW TO COOK??  


CG: NOT FUCKING REALLY, NO!  


CG: BUT UNLIKE ALL OF YOU, I DIDN’T ENJOY EATING RAW MEAT, OR BUGS, OR NOTHING BUT TROLL CHEETOS SO SURE! I KNOW SOME FUCKING BASICS!  


CG: I DID NOT MENTION THIS BECAUSE I COULDN’T HAVE GUESSED THAT KNOWING HOW TO WORK A HEATPLANE AND USE SOME OF THE MOST ELEMENTARY OF SPICES WOULD BE THE HEIGHT OF COOKING SKILL ON THIS METEOR, BUT SINCE APPARENTLY THE MAJORITY OF YOU DIDN’T HAVE IT IN YOURSELF TO EVEN OPEN A FUCKING COOKBOOK EVER IN YOUR PATHETIC LIVES, I SUPPOSE IT IS SUDDENLY!  


TG: see dude this is what im talking about  


TG: whats a gc without long walls of grey text  


CG: FUCK YOU!  


CG: THIS IS PRECISELY THE REASON WHY I WILL NOT BE SHARING ANY INFORMATION WITH ANY OF YOU INGRATES!  


TT: That is a shame.  


TT: Dave and I, at least, are willing to learn to cook for ourselves.  


TG: well  


TT: Don’t interrupt.  


TG: k  


TT: I thought it would be a productive on-meteor tradition, to have alternating nights of cooking, for when those among us currently living off of non-substantial food inevitably end up getting fed up with such a diet.  


GC: “F3D UP” H4!  


TT: Thank you, I will be here all week.  


TT: And by all week I do mean the next three years.  


TT: The alternative to this rotational meal structure, of course, is these underfed people deciding to just take that which is prepared by those who do know how to cook.  


TT: It is a shame that that burden will fall on one such person.  


GC: (OOH! THR34TS!)  


GA: (And Quite Classy Ones At That)  


CG: HEY ASSHOLES YOU CAN’T WHISPER IN A FUCKING CHAT!  


CG: EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU!  


CG: AND I’M NOT GOING TO BE INTIMIDATED INTO BEING YOUR FUCKING CULINARY TEACHER. I’LL JUST COOK WHEN NONE OF YOU ARE AROUND, AND YOU CAN STEW IN YOUR MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF REGRET WISHING YOU’D EVER LEARNED A SINGLE PRODUCTIVE SKILL IN YOUR FIRST SIX SWEEPS ALIVE.  


GC: NOP3!  


GC: 1F YOU ST4RT COOK1NG 1LL SM3LL 1T  


GC: WH3R3V3R 4ND WH3N3V3R >;]  


TG: youll keep us all in the loop right tz  


GC: OF COURS3!  


CG: FUCK ALL OF YOU, I HOPE YOU STARVE TO DEATH!  


CG  banned himself from responding to the memo.

  


==>

  


  
carcinoGeneticist [CG]  opened memo on board “USELESS HUMANS LEARN ONE FUCKING SKILL IN THEIR PATHETIC LIVES”

  
TG: concise title dude  


CG: FUCK OFF.  


CG: WERE YOU SERIOUS ABOUT BEING WILLING TO LEARN?  


TG: man i didnt consent to anything about that thats all rose  


TG: but if it means all that much to you ill try to pencil you in somewhere on overwhelmingly full calendar  


TT: What Dave means to say is yes.  


TT: I’m still unsure how well troll food will sit with us, but perhaps we could try some simple things, grains and such, until we can alchemize more human cuisine.  


TT: Then, if you would be so amenable, you could teach us basics that might extend to our own methods of preparation?  


CG: YOU BOTH FUCKING OWE ME, AND I HOPE YOU’LL REMEMBER THAT.  


TG: nah  


TT: We will see.  


CG: IS THE WEIGHT OF A SINGLE OUNCE GRATITUDE JUST FAR TOO HEAVY FOR YOUR WEAK HUMAN LIFTNOODLES TO BEAR?  


TT: This afternoon, then?  


TT: Around four, should work.  


TG: gotta clarify that one rose  


TG: meteors got two unsynchronized clocks havent you heard  


CG: WHAT?  


TT: I presumed we would follow that of the one by the kitchen, for simplicity’s sake?  


CG: JUST FOLLOW THE CLOCK WITH THE CORRECT TIME?  


TT: What does ‘correct time’ even mean? We have been flung from any sort of society, there is no more clear ‘night’ and ‘day’, how can we say what time it may be in correspondence with either of our now-dead planets?  


TG: yeah dude time is my mo and i can verify: its all bullshit  


TG: besides yall were on some time travel shit with talking to us so who can even say how fucked time got with that  


CG: OKAY, JUST CHOOSE ONE OF THE CLOCKS TO STICK TO! WHY WOULD YOU EVER TRY TO SWITCH BACK AND FORTH? THIS ISN’T DIFFICULT!  


TT: Did Alternia not have time zones? It worked wonderfully for earth.  


TT: Extending such a concept to our current situation is clearly the most sensible way to deal with the existence of two contrasting clocks on-meteor.  


TG: yeah man plus one of thems got what you so brazenly called the ‘right time’, if we choose one and choose wrong...  


TT: The ramifications of such a decision could be unfathomable  


TG: cant risk it  


TT: Absolutely fucking not.  


CG: IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO TALK TO YOU TWO!  


CG: FINE! THE FUCKING KITCHEN SEVEN! WHY NOT!  


TG: pretty presumptuous dude i still gotta check my calendar  


TG: wait rose which version are we using we sticking with gregorian  


TT: I thought Julian might be a nice change of pace?  


TG: oh yeah no good plan  


TG: karkat youre gonna need to give me a minute to make these conversions  


CG: UEHRNGH  


CG  closed memo.

  


  


==>

  


  
ROSE: Privyet, Karkat.  


KARKAT: WHAT.  


ROSE: It’s Russian.  


ROSE: Nevermind.  


DAVE: sup  


  
  
Strider gives you a one hand wave without looking up from his phone. Lalonde is standing spine-straight and wide-eyed, worryingly attentive. Despite that, there is some uncanny resemblance to the two of them, that looks a lot like ‘definitely going to fuck with you’.  


You already regret this.  


  
  
DAVE: so man ready to school us in troll cuisine  


DAVE: get us all ready to be your sous chefs or whatever the fuck  


KARKAT: I WOULD NEVER RUIN A PASSABLE FUCKING MEAL WITH YOUR INTERFERANCE.  


DAVE: im... pretty sure thats the whole reason were here, man  


ROSE: So  


ROSE: I was thinking we could start with a nice mushroom risotto.  


KARKAT: A FUCKING WHAT.  


DAVE: cant help you on that one  


DAVE: maybe shes speaking russian again  


ROSE: Not quite.  


ROSE: No, this is a... European dish I believe? Possibly Italian?  


DAVE: im down to get multicultural, whats the vibe  


ROSE: It’s made of, ah  


ROSE: Hmm.  


KARKAT: SURPRISE AS THIS MIGHT BE, I CAN’T TEACH YOU HOW TO MAKE SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN’T EVEN DESCRIBE!  


ROSE: No, give me a moment.  


ROSE: Rice? I believe.  


DAVE: its called ‘risotto’, must got rice  


ROSE: Yes, of course.  


ROSE: You probably cook it with milk, to get the texture. And the mushrooms just go in it.  


KARKAT: HMM.  


KARKAT: OKAY I KNOW WHAT MILK IS. WE HAVE SOME OF THAT, BUT I DON’T KNOW IF DAIRY IS WHAT YOU WANT TO TRY AS YOUR FIRST TROLL FOOD.  


DAVE: yeah dairy is a bit risky  


DAVE: but i actually know rice  


DAVE: its a kind of grain, comes both white and brown, bunch of little thin grains that are all dry before you cook them, kinda look like uhhhh  


DAVE: rose help me out  


ROSE: Rice literally only looks like rice.  


KARKAT: WOW!  


KARKAT: DESPITE HOW UNFATHOMABLY UNHELPFUL THAT WAS, I THINK I ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING THAT MIGHT BE COMPARABLE. ONE SECOND.  


KARKAT: IS THIS LIKE ‘RICE’?  


DAVE: well shit  


DAVE: thats rice if i ever saw it  


DAVE: i mean not that i ever seen rice being pink but  


ROSE: This should hopefully work.  


ROSE: Mushrooms are—  


KARKAT: I KNOW WHAT MUSHROOMS ARE. I DIDN'T COMPLETELY FAIL AT LEARNING YOUR SYNTACTICALLY NONSENSICAL LANGUAGE.  


KARKAT: BUT WE ALSO DIDN’T STORE ANY!  


KARKAT: IF YOU WANT SOME, TALK TO KANAYA. SHE’S DOING A WHOLE GARDEN THING, IT SEEMS.  


DAVE: someones gotta right  


DAVE: else were gonna run clean outta oxygen  


ROSE: Dying the unjust, unheroic death of suffocation, reviving, and repeating that cycle sounds rather unpleasant, does it not?  


KARKAT: YEAH, ESPECIALLY GIVEN SOME OF US WON’T FUCKING REVIVE!  


DAVE: yeah we already got plenty of corpses clogging up this place dont wanna be tripping over anymore  


KARKAT: FUCK YOU!  


KARKAT: ANYWAY, I THINK I’VE FIGURED OUT WHAT MEAL YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.  


KARKAT: BUT YOU DON’T FUCKING COOK IT IN MILK.  


KARKAT: THAT WOULD SCALD SO GODDAMN QUICKLY!  


DAVE: yeah cmon rose the way you get milk hot is the microwave everyone knows that  


KARKAT: NO!  


ROSE: Ah, the microwave. I’ve heard tales of this whimsical instrument.  


DAVE: dang yall didnt have a microwave  


DAVE: howd you heat up water for like pasta and tea  


ROSE: Mom hired mail-in personal caterers for most of our food needs, as she wasn’t very interested in cooking. We had a tea set for tea.  


KARKAT: HI, I’M SORRY, CAN WE BACKTRACK TO DAVE SAYING HE COOKED PASTA IN THE FUCKING MICROWAVE??  


DAVE: yeah what about  


KARKAT: HUMAN JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.  


KARKAT: OKAY, YOU ARE BOTH, SOMEHOW, FAR FUCKING WORSE OFF THAN I EXPECTED, AND MY EXPECTATIONS PUT YOU BELOW THE PERSON WHO SET HER HIVE ON FIRE!  


KARKAT: ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, WE WON’T HAVE TO TEST HOW WELL TROLL DAIRY WILL SIT WITH YOU, BECAUSE THE WAY YOU COOK — WHAT I’M ASSUMING IS EQUIVALENT TO HUMAN 'RISOTTO’ —  


ROSE: I am not... a big fan of ‘human’ as the qualifier there.  


KARKAT: I DON’T CARE! YOU WERE THINKING OF BROTH. WHICH I HAVE SOME OF, MADE FROM VEGETABLES, IN CASE YOU DON’T WANT TO RISK INGESTING MEAT FROM ALTERNIAN FAUNA  


DAVE: dude thank you for not saying ‘troll meat’ which you very easily could have  


ROSE: Agreed.  


ROSE: And I also must agree on the choice of broth. I don’t want to contract any sort of, I don’t know, troll tapeworm?  


KARKAT: IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE WORMS IN YOUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM, THAT’S YOUR OWN FUCKING PROBLEM!  


KARKAT: CAN WE START, OR ARE YOU TWO GOING TO TRADE THE WORST POSSIBLE COOKING TIPS FOR A BIT LONGER?  


ROSE: I could go on, certainly, but, if Dave is amenable, but we could move onto the cooking portion?  


DAVE: if we must  


DAVE: i am gonna alchemize a microwave for the kitchen though i got this great thing you can make with bread and kraft singles  


KARKAT: GOOD FUCKING LUCK WITH THAT!  


KARKAT: CONTINUE YOUR BULLSHIT CONVERSATION IF YOU HAVE TO, BUT AT LEAST CUT SOME TROLL ONIONS WHILE YOU DO.  


ROSE: Right on it.  


DAVE: roger that chef vantas  


  


==>

  


  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT, DO *NOT* GIVE THE MAYOR ANY SHARP OBJECTS  


DAVE: huh?  
  
  
You’re going to have a fucking anuerism.  


In your time trying to figure out whether ‘cutting onions make humans cry’ was an elaborate lie done to screw you over (you eventually came to the conclusion that neither of them are good enough actors to cry on cue, nor does it seem like something either of them would do willing, but you’re not completely sold) they somehow outfitted the Mayor with a fucking _knife._  


The knife is serrated, which isn’t even what you use for onions!  
  
  
DAVE: you dont gotta coddle him, dude, he aint a kid  


ROSE: He is, rather, a Mayor. What elected official can’t be trusted with kitchen utensils?  


KARKAT: 1) WE HAVE NO IDEA HOW OLD THE MAYOR IS 2) THAT KNIFE IS HALF HIS SIZE 3) HE IS *NOT* AN ELECTED OFFICIAL, WE NEVER HAD AN ELECTION!  


DAVE: nah man you just missed it cause meteor voting age is thirteen and yall are six or whatever  


KARKAT: IT’S THE SAME AGE!  


ROSE: You’ll understand the maturity difference when you’re older.  
  
  
Valiantly resisting the urge to scream, you (carefully) take the knife out of the Mayor’s hands, (less carefully) shove it back in the knife block, and (with no fucking care) push the knife block back down far as fuck away from the three of them. The Mayor is the only tolerable person on this meteor (Kanaya excluded, obviously) and you’re not going to let a pair of human dumbasses let him near something that could reasonably hurt him.  


Even if he didn’t get hurt, you don’t want to risk the onions having the same weird tearing up effect on him. No one wants to see the Mayor cry.  
  
  
DAVE: aw man look youve made him sad  


DAVE: he really wanted to help  


ROSE: You would deny this paragon of civil service his chance at community engagement? I did not take you for cruel, Karkat.  


KARKAT: I AM DOING MORE FOR THE MAYOR THAN EITHER OF YOU COULD EVER HOPE TO.  


KARKAT: CUT THE FUCKING ONIONS.  


  


==>

  


  
DAVE: nah rose second we get human food and a microwave we gotta make bread pizza  


DAVE: shit hits  


ROSE: Ah, have you just given a name to ‘microwaved bread covered with a kraft single’ dish you mentioned earlier?  


DAVE: dont forget the layer of ketchup  


ROSE: Oh, of course.  


ROSE: With Karkat’s assistance, we could perhaps make a proper Italian meal of it. ‘Bread pizza’, a tossed salad, sauteed green beans...  


DAVE: haha what  


ROSE: Which part of that sat poorly with you?  


DAVE: fucking green beans, i dont want to eat something thats unripe  


ROSE: I... Hmm.  


ROSE: Dave, what exactly do you think ‘green beans’ are?  


DAVE: beans that are green cause they aint ripe yet  


DAVE: although judging by the line of questioning im beginning to doubt that a little  


ROSE: So, in your perception, there are no bean vegetables, only premature versions of, what, Kidney beans? Black beans?  


DAVE: ...yeah  


DAVE: i mean thats the kind of beans that are beans are there beans that are also vegetables  


DAVE: how would that even work  


ROSE: Hmm. I, honestly, don’t know, etymology-wise.  


ROSE: But I can assure you, there are various beans that happen to be green, as well as one central ‘green bean’ vegetable, also called ‘string bean’.  


DAVE: please fucking tell me a string bean works like string cheese  


DAVE: peeling a bean for a snack  


ROSE: Unfortunately not, though I am not opposed to the idea of trying to alchemize some sort of cross-species between the two in hopes of producing such a result.  


ROSE: Which will require us to commission dear Kanaya to grow some for us. Others, too. I think it will be good to perhaps expand your repertoire of known vegetables.  


ROSE: The range of knowledge produced by human experience is fascinating, isn’t it?  


DAVE: it is huh  


DAVE: hey rose how do you think a microwave works  


DAVE: just curious  


ROSE: I presume it is a box with various high-powered heating elements affixed to its inner walls.  


DAVE: yeah not quite  


DAVE: its a fucking ‘micro’ ‘wave’ it heats stuff with small ass waves of electric power  


ROSE: I never claimed to be a scientist, Dave.  


KARKAT: HEY HOW ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU AGREE THAT YOU BOTH DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT BASIC THINGS FROM A CULTURE THAT IS FUCKING DEAD NOW, AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE SIMPLE GODDAMN INSTRUCTIONS A WRIGGLER COULD FOLLOW!  


ROSE: Karkat I am quite capable of multitasking.  


KARKAT: THEN WHY IS THE RICE BURNING?  


ROSE: I prefer the flavor that way.  


DAVE: see karkat she knows what shes doing  


KARKAT: MOVE THE FUCK OVER, I NEED TO FIX THIS.  


KARKAT: DAVE DID YOU MANAGE TO CHOP THE GRUBSTLEFRUITS?  


DAVE: hell yeah man look  


KARKAT: ...  


KARKAT: THIS IS MY OWN FAULT FOR THINKING YOU KNEW WHAT ‘DICED’ MEANT  


DAVE: we agree on that  


DAVE: but look my capes intact this time  
  
  
He looks far too proud of this fact. The only reason you even put him on chopping duty was because, five seconds into watching over the ‘risotto’, he turned and immediately set the douchebag cape on fire. You were so tempted to let it burn (you swear to fuck he doesn’t wash it, you’d be doing everyone a service) but you don’t want the smell of smoke ruining the kitchen and he looked, genuinely, kind of freaked out.  


These two owe you so fucking much.  
  
  
KARKAT: YOU WANT A FUCKING TROPHY FOR THAT?  


DAVE: hell yeah you offering?  


ROSE: I would also like some sort of commendation. Perhaps a medallion.  


DAVE: oh shit a medallion would be very cool you think you can melt down that trophy and reshape it?  


ROSE: Or we could keep the trophy and use it as a cup, in which we place our various hard-won medallions.  


KARKAT: ROSE. PLEASE STIR THE RISOTTO.  


KARKAT: PLEASE.  


ROSE: I am aiming for at least silver in risotto stirring.  


ROSE: And given that Karkat looks like he’s aiming for gold in holding in a scream, I’m going to do that.  


  


==>

  


  
VRISKA: Heeeeeeeey how’s the food coming????????  


TEREZI: 1T SM3LLS V3RY GOOD!  


TEREZI: 4ND ONLY V4GU3LY L1K3 BURN3D F4BR1C!  


DAVE: yeah no kanaya i take back any laughter or judgement not setting things on fire while cooking is fuckin difficult  


KANAYA: It Is Hard Manning A Stovetop For The First Time In Ones Life When One Should Have Definitely Learned To Do So Beforehand  


KANAYA: It Is Hard And No One Understands  


DAVE: hey i will say i have worked a stovetop several times before  


DAVE: but that was before i had a cool ass cape to worry about  


KARKAT: I DID SAY, SPECIFICALLY, THAT YOU SHOULDN’T BE AROUND AN OPEN FLAME WEARING LOOSE FABRIC, BUT GOD FORBID ANYONE LISTENS TO ME IN MY OWN FUCKING KITCHEN!  


KANAYA: Your Own Kitchen That Which Belongs Wholly To You?  


KANAYA: Regardless What Is It Exactly That Is Being Prepared  


ROSE: A troll ingredient-substituted version of mushroom risotto.  


TEREZI: >:?  


KARKAT: IT’S A KIND OF WARM GRAIN DISH WITH ONION AND GRUBSTLEFRUIT.  


VRISKA: Oh shit! This honestly isn’t 8ad!  


KARKAT: GET YOUR FINGERS OUT OF THE POT!  


TEREZI: OH! P1NK >:]  


KARKAT: THERE ARE SPOONS RIGHT THE FUCK THERE!  


KARKAT: HAVE EITHER OF YOU WASHED YOUR HANDS?  


VRISKA: Definitely at some point!  


KARKAT: IF YOU SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE—  


KANAYA: (Does He Mean The Vaguely Rectangular Piece Of Discarded Electrical Equipment?)  


ROSE: (We can only assume.)  


KARKAT: YES, SEE YOU *CAN* ACTUALLY WHISPER IN PERSON, BUT IT’S STILL FUCKING ANNOYING!  


KARKAT: SIT AT THE TABLE, I KNEW YOU FUCKING CORPSEBIRDS WOULD SHOW UP SO THERE IS ENOUGH FOR ALL OF YOU.  


DAVE: (that the troll word for vultures?)  


TEREZI: (W3LL, N34RLY 3V3RY 4LT3RN14N B1RD 4T3 CORPS3S)  


KANAYA: (Actually Troll Vultures Were One Of The Few Birds That Didnt)  


DAVE: (oh?)  


KANAYA: (Mostly Because They Preferred People To Be Alive As They Ate Them)  


DAVE: (huh)  


DAVE: ((rose are they fucking with me))  


ROSE: ((It is always a viable, even likely, possibility.))  


KARKAT: ROSE, DAVE, PUT THE FOOD IN BOWLS. I’LL GET WATER FOR EVERYONE.  


VRISKA: I want a soda!!!  


KARKAT: YOU’RE LUCKY TO GET ANYTHING!  


KANAYA: Ah  


KANAYA: I See This Joke  


KANAYA: Because Of Her Association With Luck  


KANAYA: I Would Like Soda As Well  


ROSE: I’m sure there is some around. Preferably not Faygo.  


KANAYA: Preferably Not  


VRISKA: 8ut sure! None could 8e found for me!  


KANAYA: I Think As A Rainbow Drinker My Slaked Thirst Is A Higher Priority  


DAVE: rose what the fuck dont leave i need you to hold the pot  


ROSE: I am incredibly busy, give me a minute.  


DAVE: ugh  


DAVE: (okay look your gay-ass vamp courting strategy is not a valid excuse to leave me at the mercy of manual labor and also karkats wrath)  


ROSE: (I have no idea what you’re talking about.)  


KARKAT: HEY ASSHOLES YOU CAN’T BE PUTTING FOOD IN BOWLS IF YOU’RE HUDDLED BY A FRIDGE!  


DAVE: man cant you see were conferencing over here?  


DAVE: here you got the waters help me out with this  


DAVE: ‘sides we have a second, its mad early for dinner what is it like five pm?  


TEREZI: 1 THOUGHT TH1S W4S LUNCH >:?  


ROSE: He means five, kitchen standard time. I assume you got your time from the west sector of the meteor?  


KARKAT: WE ARE NOT ESTABLISHING TIME ZONES ON THE METEOR!  


KANAYA: No I Am On Board With This Decision  


ROSE: We can choose our meal times based on the kitchen standard, and any group activities on the west meteor will be decided as such.  


TEREZI: YOUR3 M4K1NG FOOD 3V3RY D4Y??  


ROSE: That was nowhere in my statement.  


TEREZI: 1 S33 YOUR M1ND, ROS3. 4LL OF YOUR FOOD-OR13NT3D HUM4N THOUGHTS.  


ROSE: I feel like, being a fellow seer, there would be some sort of interference?  


TEREZI: NOP3 >:]  


KARKAT: SEER BULLSHIT ASIDE, I FOR ONE AM NOT COOKING FOR EVERYONE EVERY FUCKING DAY. ROSE AND DAVE KNOW HOW TO COOK SOMETHING NOW, IF THEY WANT TO KEEP MAKING IT, THAT’S THEIR PREROGATIVE.  


DAVE: man i thought these were gonna be repeat lessons  


DAVE: gotta teach how to prepare literally anything but broth rice  


VRISKA: Yeah this is pretty good 8ut I need some variety!  


KARKAT: THEN COOK FOR YOUR OWN FUCKING SELF!  


ROSE: I would like to, once again, pitch my idea of a rotating meal preparation?  


ROSE: Karkat could, in his infinite generosity, provide a lesson for the three of you tomorrow? Or split off in some combination.  


VRISKA: Nah!  


ROSE: Hmm.  


VRISKA: Hey!  


TEREZI: H4!  


ROSE: This food is the result of a group effort, which I hoped you would repay in kind. If not, I’m sure any of us would be happy to enjoy it?  


VRISKA: F8ne with me! Who even f8cking likes ‘rice’?  


KANAYA: This Dinner Is Lovely  


KANAYA: (And Thank You For The Soda Rose)  


ROSE: (Of course.)  


VRISKA: ...  


VRISKA: (Terezi are you going to finish that?)  


TEREZI: ( >:[ )  


VRISKA: (Kanaya?)  


KANAYA: (What Was That Vriska)  


VRISKA: So I’ve thought a8out it and I might 8e a8le to find a 8it of time to show the rest of you how to cook!  


KARKAT: THAT ISN’T WHAT—  


ROSE: Delightful, Vriska.  


ROSE: Bon appetit.  


KARKAT: WHAT?  


DAVE: its french dude  


DAVE: you do know that earth had more than one language right  


KARKAT: WHY NOT! IT’S FUCKING NONSENSICAL, THAT SUCH A MINISCULE PLANET WOULD HAVE ANY NEED FOR *MULTIPLE FUCKING LANGUAGES*, BUT THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I EXPECT FROM YOUR BULLSHIT SOCIETY!  


TEREZI: TH31R BULLSH1T SOC13TY M4D3 GOOD COTTON C4NDY R1C3 >:]  


DAVE: sorry to disappoint, but it definitely wouldntve been pink if it was earth rice  


TEREZI: >:/  


DAVE: i mean i guess we couldve used food dye which does objectively make all food better  


DAVE: hey did any of you ever put pink food dye in water and pretend it was lemonade  


KARKAT: NO?  


ROSE: I preferred making ‘potions’ with various dye colors and lime soda.  


ROSE: Or champagne, for mom.  


VRISKA: Just drink the real versions???????? When I wanted to drink the magic 8 8all juice I just did! I didn’t need to m8ke a f8ke version.  


KANAYA: The Eight Ball... Juice  


VRISKA: Didn’t taste very good! Terezi liked it though.  


TEREZI: Y34H! L1K3 4 BL4CKB3RRY COCKT41L W1TH 4DV1C3 D1C3 FOR 1C3  


TEREZI: 1 D1DNT 1NT3ND TH4T M4NY RHYM3S >:/  


ROSE: I didn’t take it as your usual brand of comedy, no.  


VRISKA: Since no one ever got me any fucking soda, may8e I’ll gra8 some of that instead!  


VRISKA: You want some, Terezi?  


TEREZI: ...  


TEREZI: SUR3  


DAVE: (i feel like im missing something here)  


KARKAT: (THEY HAVE A WHOLE FUCKING DRAMA, SURELY TEREZI’S TOLD YOU SOME OF IT)  


KARKAT: (I TAKE THIS AS A GOOD SIGN BUT HONESTLY I’VE GIVEN UP TRYING TO FOLLOW EXACTLY WHAT’S GOING ON)  


DAVE: (im gonna need to get caught up on the gossip at some point)  


DAVE: (also dude)  


DAVE: (youre really not good at the whisper thing)  


KARKAT: (WHATEVER! EAT YOUR FUCKING RISOTTO)  


DAVE: (yeah, man)  


DAVE: ...  


DAVE: oh shit  


DAVE: this is really fucking good  


  


==>

  


  
ROSE: I did bring along some earth novels. Not many, but likely enough to give you a baseline on the cultural and romantic traditions.  


KARKAT: YEAH?  


KARKAT: MOST OF THE BOOKS I BROUGHT ARE IN ALTERNIAN, BUT I COULD WORK OUT SOME TRANSLATIONS, IF YOU WANTED.  


ROSE: The complexities of your society’s romance system are fascinating, and I would love to see how balancing that many relationships affects one’s psyche.  


ROSE: In short, yes. I would be interested.  


KARKAT: I CAN TRY TO FIND A GOOD PLACE TO START, THEN.  


KARKAT: SOME ARE SO UNNECESSARILY COMPLICATED THAT *I* CAN BARELY FOLLOW ALL THE FUCKING QUADRANGLES.  


ROSE: I would surely have no hope, then.  


KARKAT: IT TAKES SOME GETTING USED TO.  


KARKAT: ALSO  


KARKAT: IF YOU’D BE INTERESTED  


KARKAT: I HAVE A FEW BOOKS THAT I KNOW KANAYA LIKES.  


ROSE: I...  


ROSE: I would appreciate that.  


ROSE: Thank you, Karkat.  


KARKAT: OF COURSE.  


ROSE: Given our joint interest in literature and the cross-cultural curiosities I’m sure we both have, perhaps we could arrange meetings to discuss the work we read?  


KARKAT: YEAH!  


KARKAT: I MEAN  


KARKAT: YEAH, THAT...  


KARKAT: THAT SOUNDS FUN.  


ROSE: Delightful.  


ROSE: Hmm.  


ROSE: I thought surely Dave would have cut in with some comment by now.  


KARKAT: MAYBE HE’S DECIDING TO MIND HIS OWN FUCKING BUSINESS FOR ONCE?  


ROSE: You think too highly.  


ROSE: He is asleep.  
  
  
You turn away from the dishes you’re washing (Rose, next to you, towel in hand) to see Dave slumped over the counter you’d asked him to clean, head pillowed by his arms and glasses just slightly eschew. Silent, for once.  


Rose walks over to him, so you take it on yourself to dry the remaining silverware. It isn’t much, anyway.  
  
  
KARKAT: ISN’T IT SEVEN, IN THE KITCHEN?  


KARKAT: EVEN EARLIER, GOING BY THE OTHER FUCKING ‘TIME ZONE’.  


ROSE: Hmm.  


ROSE: I have been suspecting that he doesn’t get enough sleep.  


ROSE: I don’t really want to wake him. And even if either of us were capable of carrying him, I’m not sure he would appreciate that.  


ROSE: Perhaps we should just leave him here?  


KARKAT: VRISKA AND TEREZI MIGHT DRAW ON HIS FACE, IF THEY FIND HIM.  


KARKAT: AND IF THEY’VE WORKED OUT WHATEVER’S GOING ON WITH THEM.  


ROSE: Two weeks in is likely far too early to resort to gossiping about a third of our meteor peers for entertainment, so I will not ask.  


ROSE: But if it does happen to come up at some point...  


ROSE: Regardless, I think the risk may be worth it.  


ROSE: It would be a terrible shame for Dave to have his face vandalized, and not in the slightest funny, but I’m sure he will be able to manage it.  


KARKAT: THIS SEEMS A REASONABLE AND FAIR COURSE OF ACTION.  


ROSE: Glad we are in agreement.  


ROSE: This was fun, Karkat. I’m glad you agreed to it.  


KARKAT: AS MUCH FUCKING STRESS AS IT CAUSED ME, I AM TOO. YOU AND DAVE FUCKING SUCK AT THIS, BUT STILL.  


ROSE: And that is what we learn for.  


ROSE: Dave had fun as well, in case his attempts to be unreadable actually succeeded.  


KARKAT: NO, I THINK I GOT THAT.  


ROSE: Good.  


ROSE: Are we pretty much done cleaning everything?  


ROSE: Barring the ceiling risotto.  


KARKAT: YEAH I DON’T... KNOW HOW TEREZI MANAGED TO GET THAT UP THERE.  


KARKAT: BUT IT DEFINITELY ISN’T OUR PROBLEM.  


ROSE: Agreed.  


ROSE: Well, if we’re leaving Dave here, that’s all, then?  


ROSE: Two or three days from now, we will reprise this cooking hour, does that work for you?  


KARKAT: SOUNDS GOOD.  


ROSE: Thank you, again, Karkat. Sleep well.  


KARKAT: GOODNIGHT, ROSE.  


**Author's Note:**

> i just think rose and karkat would be buddies
> 
> yeah honestly this has just been sitting in my giant soapbox doc for like two months now, waiting for me to get around to posting it. i ended up referencing it a surprising amount when i went to completely rewrite the last chapter of the soapbox (which, for those of you who are waiting, i apologize greatly for the delay and if it all goes well it should be up Sunday at the latest!) so i thought I would throw it out there now! 
> 
> (re: vrisrezi: idk if this is contested anywhere in-comic, but i imagine things would be awkward and avoidant with them for the first couple weeks, kinda like they are most of act 5 act 2, not really talking but still thinking about each other constantly, before eventually working through it. and Everyone notices this. one day ill get around to writing them more but goddamn vriska dialogue is hard!)
> 
> Some other thoughts on these kids and cooking that I have: vriska is actually a fantastic cook. she doesn't know shit technically, and she outright refuses to prepare food most of the time, but when she does? its really good. terezi on the other hand ends up really liking to cook, but everything she makes is Fucking Inedible (except by herself and vriska who, despite Knowing how to cook well, has a terrible palate). she just throws every strong flavor she can without any discernment. i love her. kanaya is a passable at best cook but, like vriska, she generally cannot be bothered. rose and dave both eventually achieve a level of competence, rose mostly because she keeps attempting complex foods she simply does Not understand. dave is really good at flavors/spices, not great at texture/keeping things from burning. karkats just a good cook. I'm gonna shut the fuck up now.
> 
> yeah I really hope yall enjoyed this! i got so much meteorstuck found family bullshit half-written that i wanna finish and put out there so I really hope its well received! as always ill take any spare kudos, spare thoughts, debate my cooking takes if you'd like, or guess which bad cooking opinions/food dumbassery are real things borrowed from my own life and people i know (its several of them)
> 
> have a lovely afternoon!!


End file.
